I have a coworker who is slightly erratic, feared by some, and mostly kept at a hands distance by everyone.
He is a smart chap, decent at what he does, and highly opinionated because of his intellectual power as most smart people do at times.
He has a weapons-drawn attitude and tends to push back hard and openly to any individual who disagrees with his opinions.
This happens especially in group settings where he disagrees so vigorously and so viscerally that people at times just shrink back.
It ends up building resentment to a point where most people just think he is a jerk.
His professional attitude has now congealed into a personal opinion about him with people.
I happen to be in one of those meetings and he does the exact same thing with me. I don’t relish it but I try not to push back, just lightly deflect and the topic of discussion ends. Group confrontations never end well and I have visited this circus before, many times with different clowns.
My manager who is also on the same call is incensed. He feels like we should push back harder as it reflects badly on the team. He has a completely valid point.
Knowing we will be in many more such interactions together, I decide to talk to this coworker. I am slightly mad at him and that’s increased after the conversation with my manager. I now almost hate him at this moment and decide it’s time to do something about it.
I call him up to ask if he is free and that I wanted to talk. The exaggerated mark of respect is meant to disarm him. I plan to do some damage. We agree to meet up in the afternoon when I am in his location.
My meetings go on longer than expected. By the time I walk to his desk, it’s already late.
As I stop by another co-worker’s desk some feet away before meeting him, I am still slightly apprehensive. His desk is at an angle where I am on his side and he can’t see me, yet.
As I talk to the guy, I see him on his desk looking tired and drawn. He is holding his head in his palms pulling back his hair with the elbows on the desk, muttering to himself. He slightly opens his drawer, peers, and closes it.
He is surrounded by cubicle walls from behind, there is nobody looking at him from the front so he takes it as a safe space.
I watch him from afar and it’s obvious he is in a slight state of despair. My anger I have been holding all noon suddenly finds a slight release.
As I walk down to him, he closes his desk, looks up, and smiles.
“Oh Hey Z. What’s up?”, he asks.
We start with some light conversation. Nothing specific. Weather, kids, and family.
I have an angry script playing on a loop in my mind. Instead, I find myself asking and talking about our family, comparing notes on our commutes and childhood days, almost genuinely.
We end up going from his desk to the kitchen having coffee and back at his desk. We talk like long lost friends.
My entire agenda is kept to the side. I actually enjoy a good conversation for an hour instead.
It’s getting dark outside and I need to get going. The people around his desk are long gone.
The last commuter bus home is in 15 minutes.
As I start to wind down the conversation, he turns towards me, opens his desk slightly, and without any preamble shows me a picture of someone he deeply cares about and how she has been running sick for months.
The animosity that I had is now just plain concern. I sit down back again.
We talk about a similar experience I went through years ago, another that I am going through and I can see the agony on his face clearly as the mask finally unravels.
“Z, am I doing ok up here?”, he asks, suddenly looking around.
I understand what he means and want to tell him he has done an amazing job so far and that people love him for his work.
Instead, I find myself giving him a more honest answer.
I tell him that he is asking my opinion on something he already knows.
As he hears this, his entire being just deflates. The validation of what he has suspected for long, but finally is out in the open, it hits him hard.
We all want to be liked and well regarded. Grizzly bears are no exception.
A deep well of empathy springs up within me. Instead of shaking hands, I spread my arms out.
He hesitates, then breaks out in a big grin and we share an awkward man hug. For a second, we are just two old friends running into each other.
We part and I walk back to the bus station. The last commuter has long gone. I end up sitting at the empty bus stand for a couple of hours before the next long route bus comes in. Dozing all the way through, I reach home at 9.00 PM.
It’s been a long day.
As I end up in bed that night, I think of this interaction. I could have easily pushed him off the edge knowing where he was standing already, for what? Satiating my incessant need for approval?
Will he change completely from here on?
I doubt that.
Someday I hope we will work together as one team but I am clear-eyed about when or if it will ever happen.
Bears will still gnaw at tree barks. They will still growl often. They might even tear apart limbs from time to time if you get too close.
But having come face to face with one in its own natural habitat, I come away with something better.
I went into the dark forest seeking to slay an enemy.
Instead, I come out on the bright side learning more about another even more complicated adversary -
Myself.
