I am still in my middle aged years and already my mind is a kaleidoscope. Years vanish. Months collapse and days fall inside each other. Time is like a tall building made of playing cards — A lot of playing cards, some new some old. It seems all to be in perfect order until a strong gust of wind comes along and blows the entire thing apart, skyward. Sometimes, I just sit and imagine it: an entire deck of cards soaring in the sky like a flock of geese.
An advertisement comes on the TV and now I am sitting in my Andheri flat in the middle of the room in my gray shorts while my grandmother holds the weaving spindle as she sits cross legged on the sofa and smiles down at me. I am at a crowded party in Portsmouth looking at Crystal for the first time. I am standing at her grave. I am eating an entire samosa myself for the first time perched on a wall behind my school. I am having dinner at an expensive restaurant in downtown Toronto drinking a 500$ bottle of wine. I am standing in front of the cupboard mirror hearing the song from the 1990 hit Aashiqui. I am a boy standing in the corner all by myself watching them take away my dead sister on a small metal thatch. I am laughing and telling them a story about how I got through college and then the phone rings. They never call me this late unless…I understand something terrible has happened with a thud in my heart. The car, the plane, the cab and the ride back home. The test results are ominous. I am wheeling my father down the corridor. We are in a swimming pool in Los Angeles late at night talking. I take a deep breath and breathe in the smell of my new car as I weave it slowly down in traffic. I push the door open hard and I see her there — hanging. Her legs are the first thing I see and the only thing I remember. We are having lunch at a buffet in downtown Chelsea. The taste of lime with the spice of Chicken-65 fighting for their own legacy in my mouth. I am walking down the snow filled road in my leather shoes trying to get to the office in a snow storm. My feet are numb with cold. It’s late evening on Friday and I am sitting on a mat waiting for Ana to bring her pot of chicken biryani. I am hungry eating a day old banana as I write down the amount left with me and calculate the number of days that it should last before the month end.
The Kaleidoscope flashes by faster and faster until each of those images just blend into each other. Everything is just a blur.
Pick a card, any card.